rock of ages, when the day seems long...

I'm so in love. With Sandra McCracken. I told Ryan's mom I would marry her if she wasn't already married to Derek; I think it kind of freaked her out. I couldn't even talk to her last night. That's just how I am when I'm in love with people, I don't know. It's plagued me my whole life. Ash tried to drag me to talk to her, but I just couldn't, because all I could think of to say was, "I love you I want to BE you please please please" and I thought that would come off as too needy. So Ash ventured up to this tiny framed, 5'1'' woman and got her autograph on my new CD for me. But I ended up meeting her later. And Derek. He gave us totally true advise, I'm sure. He said that nobody goes into music if they can help it, because it's just too hard. The only reason why he did it was because he claims he has no other skills. I'm not sure if I entirely believe that, I think it's more like he chose not to develop any other skills, but it's certainly not the first time I've heard a musician say that. And it just makes me think. It makes me wonder why I would be given something if I'm not meant to use it.

And I feel like if Ryan and I were brave enough, we could just start right now. We've got all the skills we need, really. If we spent a little more time practicing, that might help. Sandra asked us if we ever played together and I shamefacedly admitted, "not that much." I need to get better at guitar. It takes more determination than anything else. I can't complain anymore; I've got the callouses, and they're not going anywhere.

My expectations are facing the wrong directions right now. I'm allowing myself to be disappointed in things and people that aren't in my power. That kind of disappointment does nothing productive; it just sits and festers and makes me miserable when I think about it. I shouldn't be so worried about the mistakes that I think others are making, when that's ultimately between them and God. No one is doing anything to intentionally hurt me. I should be expecting more of myself, always. Maybe Derek's and Sandra's examples can help me do that.