i've given you my love and it's made you free...

talk about gravely misunderstood concepts. i take for granted the beautiful truth that has saved my life, then i go to ethics and social justice class, and the alternative--an undeniably logical argument, however incomplete--is brought to my attention. And I just feel blessed. Blessed and simultaneously frustrated, as I'm probably meant to feel. Because it makes sense, and that's the hardest part. We're all searching, yearning for freedom, for the freedom we feel we're meant to have because we are meant to have it. And as the incredibly prideful, stubborn person that I am, I can identify with the desire, and the arguably logical attribution of that freedom to ourselves--the claim that it can come only from us, as creative, independent beings. And so it pains me so much to read Marx and understand the idea that "the more of himself man attributes to God the less he has left in himself." And then to follow the argument--except not quite--that if we are believers, who acknowledge our creation in the image and likeness of God, as co-creators, the next logical step would be to deny the existence of God...because we are God...yeah...alright so I'm a little lost on that. Does it make sense? Because McCarthy sounded pretty convinced. And I still try to charge myself with understanding even if I do not agree. I just don't see my relationship with God at all taking away from me (even if I can understand how one could argue that); in my experience anyway, it has the opposite effect. I am most fully myself, and feel most free, in those miraculous moments when I see that the mountains are really molehills and big deals are really small ones, and I am loved, and I allow myself to be filled with that love. And that is something I want to tell people about, something I want to be understood.

My faith has never been challenged on such an intellectual level as this until this semester; it's been really exciting and frustrating because I see the need for so much work to be done, and I find myself not knowing where to start. Communication seems to be key...as I learn more about the other side, I feel the responsibility to learn as much as I can growing heavier. But where to draw the line between educating oneself--on which you could spend an eternity--and going out and getting some work done? I guess they're both constant processes, and go hand in hand...


Thoughts? I know it's vague, as usual...but if anything should come to you...


:-*